you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
