I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I didn't notice because vodka
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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