I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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