In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
