saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
