uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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