Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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