Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
