3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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