i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
