Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize