That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
