This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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