...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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