I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
