woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We left the knife in your bed.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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