I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
