Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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