Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
