there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
