he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
