she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
