my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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