Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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