I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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