just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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