I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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