I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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