he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
