I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize