Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
