He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
