Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
