It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
