I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
