Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You ruined the universe
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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