I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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