If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I party with great urgency now.
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