just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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