All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
