Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
