I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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