i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
