Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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