No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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