Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize