I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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