you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
