Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
