I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
