Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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