smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
