Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
