When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
