dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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