I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
