Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize