Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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