I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
