i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
