Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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