Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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