good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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