The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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