Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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