Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
